Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
