So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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