I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
