I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
