i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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