and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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