i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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