I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
