We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
