That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
