we have pet lesbian snakes
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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