I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
