true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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