Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
