Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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