checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
