I'm sorry my penis didn't work
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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