all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize