I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
