you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
