I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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