So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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