The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
