im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
