I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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