possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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