i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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