we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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