This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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