Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
