I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
