Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
