I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
