I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
