I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
