Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
