I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
