my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
