i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
