I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
