and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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