I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize