I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
