T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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