Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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