I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
