You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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