I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
