So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
