Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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