I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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