Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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