Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
