You can't motorboat a personality
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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