i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
did i walk over a car last night?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
