he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
