cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize