She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
