I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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