Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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